Harry Meets Keegan

Keegan is in man-love with Harry Potter. I am amazed that a boy who isn't even 5 could go through so many relationships already.. Elmo Mater Max and Ruby Darth Vader Aniken and now Harry Potter... It reminds me a little bit of my 20's... Out of all of Keegan's loves,  I am the most impressed with the influence Harry has had on him. By 7 am he is dressed and ready for the world. And quite fetchingly, I might add. "Mom, where are my handsome clothes." Yes, everyone,it's handsome clothes now. Forget about those days of little boy rompers..it's only button downs and khakis for Keegan and Harry. Or possibly a rugby shirt that resembles a quidditch uniform.. as LONG as I clip a dish towel around his neck for a cape, you know... It's Saturday today. Everyone knows Quidditch is on Saturday! I was a bit concernced about Keegan's speech when his r's were coming out so different. Then I realized he is just practicing his British accent.. Harrrry Potterrrr to 9 and threee quarterrrrs and now I'm okay with it. Look, no one seemed to care when Madonna did it. At least he didn't go Ozark on us. The only thing that freaks me out a leetle teeny bit is the scar he likes to wear on his forehead..but I I have told him that under NO circumstances will I allow him to wear it to preschool.  And Mama's eyelines is off limits unless I draw it on him myself. So all in all we have settled in to this new love affair quite nicely,  and I do wonder what will be next because really, where is there to go after this? You know it doesn't look promising.. The Hangover Parts 1 and 2 (are you kidding me??) Saw (aren't there like 5 of those?? and there are NO good guys are there???) Glee the movie (I wouldn't mind, but Will...) So you can see the role models get pretty limited.. So let's just stick with Harry through 9 movies or whatever over the next 10 years and just leave it at that.

Pin This

I just spent 20 minutes on the phone with Vicky trying to figure out my new Pinterest account..
son of a -
"Wait! Wait!  Why is Marth Smith showing up 50 times on my board?  She's a high school classmate..wait a minute..just a minute..that's Sally from work..no..no! This is Facebook! Stop! Stop!"
Dear Pinterest:
You had me at Pin.  I was so enthralled by your gorgeous coordinating outfits, DIY crafts that even a baffoon like me could tackle with a tuna can and llama hair, and those photos of organized closets?  OOOHHHH  I couldn't wait... I checked my e-mail every five minutes waiting for my e-vite.. I was going to pin pin pin..deep into the night while my children and husband slept.
But then... you dashed my dreams with your stupid link to Facebook. You pin-prick.
Don't you know who I am Pinterest?
I am one of the 26 people in the United States who refuses to become part of the "social networking age" because I will NOT learn that Aunt Gladys has passed away suddenly from my Blackberry Inbox..I will NOT get status updates from people I just left in the office..I will NOT be sucked into extra anxiety wondering if I should post more pictures with my status, less pictures with my status, change my pictures with my status..what are people thinking of my pictures and my status?
You almost had me Pinterest, but alas, I quit you before I even got started. Oh..you would have even helped me with quitting dammit! You would have been there with your cutesy  saying for my new hand-made fridge magnet made out of old tuna cans, melted crayons and llama hair that would have kept me going:  "Quit and You're Just a Big Fat Quitery Quiter" Oh! Whoever made that up is soooo brilliant..pin it!!!
But no...Goodbye to you.  Clever and Cool Pintrest, that I don't even spell right..Phooey!
So..hello Google!
I am sure you have heard of it.  Sometimes you can find a few bits of information there.
I don't know.
I guess it remains to be seen.
I know nothing can replace your corky quirky pin board.
But I guess I will just have to try.
I'll be in Big Fat Mournery Mourning for awhile..
Sincerely,
Unpinned and Almost 40

What I Know

I know a lot about divorce.
Wow, now that is really something to add to the resume! Are you going to put that before or after you talk about never missing an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta!
Solid!
Just hear me out.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately because most of my life, 33 years of it has been influenced by divorce.
Directly.
What's bothering me lately is that if someone hasn't had their parents leave each other, or signed the "final" papers, or watched a boyfriend/husband argue with the ex on the phone about the time with kids, I don't know...I'm not sure that anyone can really get what divorce is all about.  It's gut wrenching, life-changing, and okay...liberating sometimes. But mostly it just really sucks.
Everyone comes out of a break up differently. Some of us heal quickly. Some of us take years. Some of us may never ever get over what happened to us.
But until you have experienced it for yourself, it really isn't for anyone else to judge.
We all heal differently:  loudly, quietly, or here's all your shit on your sister's lawn  I am moving in with my brother, just wait until I meet my best wife.  (Oh sorry I got carried away for a minute....)
Even though it's very easy to want to make decisions for people because we think we can because we think we know best. We can't.
Ooooh..this is hard. Look, I solve the world's problems every day. Believe me, if everyone would just listen to me, it would be a whole lot easier.
But, uh, that doesn't seem to be happening.
So probably I do NOT know best in every situation.
What I am learning is that old dogs do not necessarily learn new tricks.
Young dogs don't necessarily care to either.
Until they are ready.
And some dogs may never be ready.  And that isn't for me to judge.
So I guess when I am thinking about people going through difficult times, I am learning that it's their right to handle things the way that they want. It's not my place to decide for them how to grieve or judge if it's right or wrong.
I do think it's my place to hold their hand if they need me to, and let them know I will always be there to love them.
 Maybe give them a good pat or a treat. You know, something like that.
I still wouldn't put it on a resume.
I wasn't going to! Sheesh...so hard on me subconscious..

2012 Here We Go!

Maren Vada is 18 months and she gave new meaning to "And to All A Good Night" this Christmas Eve.  She has decided that sleeping through the night isn't so much fun, and so we are back to our late night rendezvous together.  The thought of even trying to put together a Christmas letter this year sent me into waves of anxiety because there is no way that I could lie that much to people I truly care about: "Nothing to worry about at the Williams' house! We have got it allll under control!  Everything is working great! Nope not ONE appliance has conked out! NOPE! Not the refrigerator or the snow blower..heh heh.. We are reallly great!  What is debt anyway? Who has that?  NOT US!  Don't even worry about it!  Maren?  Oh not a problem!  Throat? PERFECT! No doctor's visits here!  And sleeping??  LIKE A BABY! Every night!  Sleep deprivation? What is that?  We don't have it! Heh heh!  That doesn't affect us ONE bit!..."
I mean you can see..it just would have been fake as shit..and there is one thing I cannot stand...bullshit.
Look, I am going to be 40..and that is probably my mantra: Look, I am going to be 40...so everyone should just get used to hearing it, sorry.
But when people bullshit...ooooh that bugs me. And so when those Christmas letters come and they are filled with a bunch of well, bullshit..I have a hard time.
Now I have to say that one of my girlfriends from high school does send a great one. She talks about her kids and their funny things and their milestones..and barely mentions she and her husband..and I really like that.  Because there isn't room for bullshit.  It's just plain and simple about the children. Super. Great.  I do not need to hear about adults and their "year".  That is weird. And boring. Tell me about your kids and move along.   The fact that you are now a black belt in karate at 37 or have fulfilled your life long dream of becoming certified as an International Artisan bread maker is just not that interesting and frankly, it sounds like bragging.  Update your status on Facebook and get over yourself.
Okay, so that's off my chest.

Ahh..Christmas..It truly was our best Christmas ever, even in light of the fact that we had very little sleep (thank you Maren!  I loved my present!! ) because Keegan was sooo into the season.  He was all about Santa and the presents, of course, and Rudolph, and yes, even baby Jesus. It was such a magical time to watch him so excited for every single little thing that happened.  I think the most impressive act of his life could be waiting for three hours on Christmas morning to open presents while his sister snoozed happily after her "up all night" escapades.  What kid has patience like that?  Since that day, though, he has exhibited almost NO patience and so I think he used it all up and now we're in for it for the rest of his childhood. Oh well. You can't win 'em all, as Will reminds me frequently.  

And probably the best part of our break has been spending so much time home as a family.  As long as Will and I got out by ourselves each day, we really did great!

"Are you still at the shoe store? You've been gone for three hours!"

"Oh yeah. I uh, I am coming home right now. I couldn't decide."

"Well, did you buy any Will?"

"Nooo...but, uh, they were really understocked."

Do NOT compare the amount of time he has been gone to your time yesterday at Target. Do not compare the amount of time he has been gone....

So it's worked out beautifully and we even had a romantic New Year's Eve dinner ALONE..AT A RESTAURANT.. a real date.  It was fabulous.

Except for the dude one table away who clearly had "Listen To Me" issues and talked at the top of his lungs thus allowing me into his whole conversation about his ex-wife and the custody of his child and the large sum of money he was clearly trying to get out of the people he was having dinner with....

"Are you even paying attention to me?"

"WILL!! He is so loud! But shh!  He's just at the part about asking for the big bucks!"

But in the end it was a wonderful night, Maren slept.....until 4 am..grrrr...and all is well that starts well in 2012 for the little family who could.

Or couldn't, depending on the day. 

 I am not going to bullshit you.

I am almost 40.

Happy New Year!

Pre-Wedding Nothings..

The moles have made their way into Ernesto's yard.  When do they dig?
At night probably.
Well that's perfect because by the time they make their way up to his patio, they'll see that Ernesto is up and "two shall become one" as the saying goes.
Really it's a match made in heaven.
Maren has been napping since 9:45 am and I love it because I got to shower, shave my armpits ANDD pack the car. Now there is nothing left to do..except wait for her to wake up. So I am having a pre-wedding glass of wine (very very tinnny) and blogging.
Here comes Keegan.
Wait. It's the cat.
Much more high maintenance than my son.
When did the cat become such a loud walker?
Work weddings are always a little bit stressful.
I don't mind if it's Will's work because if I get drunk and say something ridiculous, I don't have to see those people for at least another year.
If I get drunk and say something ridiculous at this wedding, I have to see these people in 48 hours. And believe you, me.  Word spreads like wildfire in a middle school. Middle school teachers are as bad as middle school kids. "Did you hear what Melissa said to the groom's great-aunt??? She THOUGHT she was Phyllis Diller! She wouldn't stop asking for her autograph!"
Sigh.
Thankfully two of my very best pals will be there and one of them is EXTREMELY level headed. She will have no problem telling me I am being an ass and dragging me off to the:
bathroom
dance floor
hotel room
parking lot
jail
She is just that great of a friend.
Actually I have set my sights very very neutral and usually when I do that, things turn out pretty well.
I also did not purchase anything new to wear, so I have nothing to be excited about..well..
Except my good looking husband (wink wink)
So I expect us to have a very low key, "stay in the wings" kind of a time.
I say this now.
You know just for affirmation purposes.
Sigh.....
Stay tuned.
You know something always happens when the Williams' go out..
"Is that Phyllis Diller???"

Show Me the Money!

One of my favorite movies is Jerry Maguire.
For various reasons.
Fish.
Flipping out.
Ants.
I've pretty much lived that life except for the high profile sports agent thing, right?
Whatever.
Anyway, I feel like  Rod Tidwell today after balancing the checking account.
"SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
Where is all of our money?
Is there a little sneaky money elf at USAA who goes into our account and steals dollars away?
Where are my dollars?
Why am I working harder than I have ever worked in my life and I am making LESS than ever?
Oh it's called dependent care, insurance, AHEM dues (I will PAY those, it's only a matter of time until I'll need help again, believe me) annnnddddd taxes.
Sigh.
Then of course there is no raise. Ever. Probably for the rest of my existence as a teacher.
Unless I pay for it by going back to school.
Which will just mean that I have MORE bills to pay because I will have MORE school loans.
We will be paying Maren's school loans and ours at the same time.
I kid you not.
My favorite book is Walk Two Moons and the main character Salamanca, realizes something at the end of the novel.
She says, "I realize that I am jealous of..."
I do not like to be a jealous person. I think jealousy is a really wasted emotion. I try very very hard not to be that.
Sometimes I am, though.
When I was pregnant and felt huge and my friend R- came into the school office in a really cute little red dress with her super cute thin legs, looking all cute and thin..I was kind of jealous.
When I see my friends' new big houses I feel kind of jealous.
Sometimes I feel that other people don't have to worry about finances so much and I do.
I am jealous of that.  And then I realize that just like when I was jealous of the cute little red dress, it passes.
Everyone has times when they wish for things and can't have them.
Life goes on.  Things get better. Babies are born!  Which is a whole heap of "worth-it" for NOT fitting into something small at the time. Bills get paid.  Okay of course in our case, there are MORE bills, but it makes me appreciate the simple things.
And I know how to make  15 things with ground beef..and only ONE of them is meat loaf!
Jealousy is not a fun emotion so I just try not to feel it for long. Instead I try to feel hopeful and glad for what people have:  cute, thin legs or pretty houses that they have worked hard to buy.
I try to be hopeful that things will get better in the financial department. Hopeful about our future and thankful that we have what we do. I have Will and Maren and Keegan. They make me laugh. They make me feel loved.  They eat my meat loaf!
Somehow that seems to send jealousy packing.

I Wonder...

I just saw my husband with a wheelbarrow, a bucket, and a hose, going around the side of the house.

I just saw my husband coming back with a wheelbarrow full of water and a bucket full of Koi.

Great. The fish are moving into the garage for the winter.

I just heard Will swear.

I just went into the garage.
There is water all over the garage floor.
I am going back into the house.
I just saw Will going back around the house with the bucket full of Koi.

Car is gone.

Car is back.

He is going around the house again with a wheelbarrow full of water.

There goes the bucket full of fish.

I think I just heard more swearing.
Is that water in the garage?

What day is it?

The car is gone again.

The fish are back in the pond.

Car is back.
I just went into the garage.
There are two by fours and chicken wire.
CHICKEN WIRE???!!!

"Do you want to see what I'm doing with the fish?"

I wonder if I have ever done anything in our marriage that has compared to this...
Once I tried to use his razor on my nether regions and I was in the bathroom for an awfully long time because I slipped up...
Sometimes, I try on old clothes to see if they're still passable for "fashionable" in the storage closet under the stairs...and once I got stuck in an old shirt because it was an XXS...
But I have never really had a project...come to think of it...
Does he do this on purpose just to get out of stuff like cleaning up Maren eating spaghetti or bath time or cleaning the cat box?
Hmmmm...
Are the Koi really a PLOY? Is this in the Husband Handbook to Survival??
To be continued...

Tales Of a 39 Grade Nothing...

Back in Fourth Grade I had a best friend named Jennifer O., and everyday from 10:00 to about 12:30 she would ignore me. I mean just outright meanly IGNORE me.  EVERY DAY. So everyday, I would get a HORRIBLE stomachache, and my teacher would have to take me to the bathroom, and then to the nurse, and it was just one big fiasco because I couldn't tell Mrs. Watson that my stomach ache was all because my best friend was "shunning" me, and I didn't have the nuts to tell her to knock it off.
The truth was that Jennifer was a bully and she got a kick out of making me feel miserable.
What a shithead.
Looking back at her fourth grade picture, she may have been wrestling with some "identity" issues, if you catch my drift, but did she really need to take it out on me?
Luckily, we moved away after that year, I never saw her again, she probably figured everything out, is happy with her new penis,  and I never found myself in that situation again because I learned my lesson and got tough.
No I didn't.
You know me better than that.
Jennifer was just the beginning.
Through the years I have had several Jennifer's in my life. TOO MANY Jennifers.
Some were friends, some were relationships. Looooonng relationships. Relationships that I had to be removed from kicking and screaming...
I really knew how to pick 'em.
Sigh.
In the past few years though.  I am just too tired, too fed up and too busy to have my life screwed up anymore than it is by people's meanness. And that is the truth.
Call it what you want: wisdom, age, maturity, or what I like to think of as, "I am not putting up with that kind of b.s-ness" if I am going to know you", but somehow I have developed some skills that I did not have earlier in life.
Will has helped tremendously with this. I credit him a lot for my strength. He is just a very confident, put together person.  I also credit making a small strong circle of "seasoned" women friends who focus on important values:  love, truth, peace, strength, and humor.
Look, no one is perfect.
Let's look back at last week's foibles, shall we?
I eff up sometimes.
However, I will also be the first to admit that I get on the horn, and I call for help.
Even if that horn costs $150.00 an hour (sigh) or I need to do some very intense devotional reading and quiet prayer work for awhile.
We are not perfect human beings, but if something is bugging us so much that it is hurting those around us, then it's time to start fixing it.
I continue to work on those issues, I have watched my friends work on those issues, and I am proud to say I have watched my husband do that, too.
Everyone comes out better for it.
It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.

Questions From Keegan Answers From Momma and Dad

"Why doesn't Anakin ever toot in the Clone Wars?"

"Where was I when Maren was made?"

"Did you buy her at the hospital?"

"Mom, why do you have whiskers on your pee-pee?"

"Why don't we have mermaids in our neighborhood?"

a. Jedi's don't toot.
b.  Dad's answer:  You were with Grandma Linda  (?????)
     Mom's answer:  I am pretty sure you were sleeping......but it could have been that   weekend no never mind, you were sleeping.........
c. No, we just got her there.  They were out of the ones who sleep through the night...sigh...
d.  Because I haven't had a real bikini wax in a year, thanks Keegan and once again, the bathroom door isn't locked, thus just another example of not letting your Mom have even two minutes alone to pee...AND IT's NOT a PEE-PEE it's a VAGINA.."What's a BAGINA?"  Oh NEVER MIND!!!
e.  They all moved away because of Ernesto....

There's A Slight Problem...

The Rachel Green line from Friends that I should probably just have tattoed on my ass would be:

"...I really thought I hit rock bottom today. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then fifty feet of crap, then me."

because over the past 7 days, I don't know that I could have done more cluster f*cked things.
I don't.
Shall we re-cap?
Oh why not?
Stormed out of IEP, announcing that not only was I a DAMN good teacher, "lady" but I hadn't had a raise in six years.
Not sure how those two things are related, but boy did that leave a mark.
Child no longer in classroom.
Note to you:  feel free to try if wanting high profile child out of classroom.
Managed to lose four more pounds thus causing husband to use the phrase "anorexic" in conversation..as in "You are starting to look anorexic."
This is not a compliment you want from your husband.
Have now been called by name at the local pharmacy as am making weekly trips to pick up antibiotics for both children thus making me feel like one of those neuschwanstein mothers who seeks attention by having sick children.
Am sure that is not the correct term, but am too tired to look it up.
Text my "former" friend, because she will be now, and asked her if she was Jewish.
Yes, I did.
!!!!!??????
Mean to ask, someone. Just not her.
Because in my head, I was thinking about faith and things we had talked about that day and I was wondering things, and sure as shit...
No filter on my text finger.
Thank God, I am not on Facebook.
I would text her to apologize, but she is probably at Temple as we speak, so I will try later.
?????!!!!!!
Called therapist to make an appointment, rambling on about my week, and not sleeping for three weeks and my "behavior".
Therapist called back and said perhaps we should start to meet on a "regular" basis for awhile.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya think?
Here's the deal.
Completely over the edge.
Hmmm...No. Not there yet.
Sleep deprived and stressed.
Yeeeeeeesss.
Recognizing my issues and wanting to fix them so I don't start asking my brother if he's Kurdish?
Yeeeeeeesss.
That is all I can do.
I am so hard on myself all the time. All the time.
I push myself to limits that are not fair:  clean house, dinners prepared,  perfectly behaved classroom, perfectly behaved babies,  perfect relationship with husband, perfectly behaved me. Don't say too much. Don't say too little. Perfect perfect.  I am NOT. I am NOT.
How did I forget?
Because I was too busy trying to fix everything.
Again.
So guess what?
Still learning.
Still growing.
Still trying.
And the nicest thing right now is that I am just going to give myself a break.
I don't really have a choice.
And I'm going to pray that the people who really love me will just hang in there with me.
I am betting a few will.
As long as I stay away from texting for awhile...