The Girlfriend's Guide To Divorce-Previously Published

I watch Bravo religiously.
It is my go-to as soon as the kids are in bed.
Uncork the wine, throw in my goat cheese pizza and I'm there...but I refuse to watch this new scripted show:  The Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce.
It's kind of a Sex in the City meets Divorce and that just makes me cringe.

Every commercial shows the main character in  some hip swanky club making out with a hot 28-year old.  Then it ends in a ring finger salute "I'm divorced! I'm back! I am sexy!"

I do not think divorce is sexy.
I think it's sleepless nights and wadded up tissues, puffy eyes and loose skinny jeans because the thought of goat cheese pizza and even wine makes her want to vomit. It's the taste of copper in her mouth, like sucking on pennies..and a ball of sadness in the pit of her stomach that fades as she wrestles with sleep, then returns WHAM! when she opens her eyes as if someone threw a ten-pound medicine ball right in her solar plexus.

When my father left his marriage 3 weeks ago, he told me that he  "wasn't happy."
The first thing I thought was, well, okay, I can understand. You gave it your best go. You traveled. Worked. Retired. Built your dream home.  I guess you would know happy.
As I got more used to the idea, I realized that my 68 year old father deserves to be "happy" because he's 68.
HE'S 68!!!!!!!!!!
If he wants to take longs walks on the beach, wear designer jeans (I hope), attend big time concerts and have me call his new cool girlfriend "Sis" then I will do it!
BECAUSE HE IS 68!!

When my husband of 7 years, 3 babies, 4 moves, 1 chronic disease, 1 unexpected pregnancy, a bed-rest, financial disaster, 3 job changes, and a graduate program told me he wasn't happy, the other day, I understood that, too. Yes, yes I  know. This life has been hard on us. Most people don't go through what we have gone through in 7 years, but we have had a lot on our plates, we have. But we have each other.
 I wasn't ready for the I want a divorce part.
Unhappy yes, marriage ending? No.
YOU'RE STEALING MY DAD'S LINE..YOU CAN'T DO THAT. HE'S 68!
WE'VE TRAVELED TWICE!  WE HAVEN'T WORKED ENOUGH!  DREAM HOUSE!! OR MAYBE JUST ANOTHER BATHROOM!  HOW CAN IT BE OVER NOW?
But the thing is that I don't get to control is someone else's happy.
(I got that right from Dr. Phil-)
Step 1.  Google what to do after he tells you he wants a divorce.
 Dr. Phil pops up EVERYWHERE
I can only control my happy.
As much as I want to start slipping drugs in to his coffee and handcuff him  to the Armada (I would put him inside, don't worry)  and drive him to daily therapy sessions to "fix this".   It isn't up to me to do that.
Step 2: Buy expensive waterproof mascara. (Ulta $35)
I can pray. I can hope. But I can't change someone's mind.  It's not a political campaign. I'm not running for office.  "I am the BEST candidate for YOUR WIFE FOR LIFE!  Ignore the little things that drove you to this point! They mean nothing!"
I have agonized for 3 days about all of the things that suck about me. I can make you a whole list. I know what I do wrong. I KNOW!  I am an under-confident over-analyzing, verbal-processing, under-eating, wine drinking,  chirping cricket!  I KNOW!
Step 3:  Visions of a future wife WILL dance through your head.  Go shopping for super cute clothes to make yourself feel better for 5 minutes. Keep in mind, it will only work for 5 minutes.
Then you will be glad you have waterproof mascara.
At this point, I have absolutely no fucking clue what is going to happen. None.
I know that I am going to take a shower today. Maybe. Other than that, I can't make a thought come together or a plan that will make sense.
Do people survive divorce? They must because the divorce rate is like 60 percent in this country and I  know we are a very heavily populated country.  I don't think the death rate and the divorce rate match..
Do I want him to come home, tell me he loves me, and sweep me off to a beach to start all over?
Yes. Most definitely.  Because of 2, 4 and 7.  For them. For us.
Step 4:  Remember God, your friends, and your family.  Build your support network.
I loathe the word "network" it sounds like I'm starting a new Bravo show called "Life After Uptown Girl's  Guide to Divorce"

Shit.