You Probably Shouldn't Read This

I have realized in the past couple of days that I don't have anyone to talk to about things. And since I don't have anyone to talk to, I need to write. And since I am going to write, there is a chance that with the way I am feeling I am going to offend someone. Now it might just turn out to be the pharmacist at Target, and I doubt he reads my blog, but it could turn out to be someone I know, and all I can say is, I don't have anyone to talk to right now, and so I am warning you now, that you probably shouldn't read this. But I am not going to apologize either.  If you choose to read, well then, you did it to yourself, honestly.
I have a cold sore the size of lower Manhatten. You know what this means, "burning to bitch" so obviously I have been holding things in again.
Part of the reason I am "stuffing" is that I don't want to unload on Will all the time.
The man is driving two hours a day to work. Then he comes home to a house full of children of varying ages and needs and a wife that looks a little like she's ready for either an insane asylum straight out of some 1930's horror movie or like she's ready to go clubbing-depending on how much sleep she was able to get that day and if she got into the mascara and sample lipstick she had stashed away.
"Uh, is that a new lipstick?"
"Oh, um, no, no, it just came free with purchase, and you know, I thought it might brighten me up a bit."
"It's bright purple."
"Yeeees, well yes...I know..um, ok, I'll just wash it off quick."
I quit facebook today, and YES, I am going to ramble so just eff off right now, I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS, and herein lies a lot of my resentment right now..
I am really really upset with people's and NOT ALL people's posts right now.
I don't like when people complain about their lives on facebook.  I am not sure that this bothered me before. I am pretty sure it didn't before. I think it bothered me when people BRAGGED about their lives.
I WELCOME ANY and ALL bragging at this point because at least I know people are trying to look on the bright side!!!
But the negative Nelly shit. OOOOOOOHHHH. I can't take it right now.
I really really want to comment: Go Fuck Yourself.
I do. I want to say that.
And that's why I made a parting comment on Facebook and GOT OFF.
Now I am probably going to go back on in an hour and take my parting comment OFF. Because I think silence is a much more graceful way to go off then the EFF YOU ALL way I probably left, but I have to be done with Facebook YET AGAIN, because it is too upsetting YET AGAIN.
Part of me wants to start listing all of the things in my life right now that I am doing that are hard or stressful or WORK.
Part of me wants to send this to people who are just not "getting what they want" right now and are making a very very big point of letting everyone in the world know how "terrible they have it".
But I won't.
Because I don't even want to see my own list.
And I HATE, I mean I absolutely LOATHE looking at life in a horseshit way. I LOATHE having a bad attitude about what is happening. I LOATHE that I feel the way I feel right now...I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because I want to cry and scream and stomp and complain and I HATE that I want to do that.
I feel guilty and shitty and mean-spirited and ungrateful and WRONG WRONG WRONG.
So I have bottled it up and gotten a huge cold sore.
Much better.
Honestly, I am not kidding. MUCH BETTER.
Oh and I wrote a blog, punching the keys really hard. Sobbing at the same time.
MUCH BETTER.
I have prayed every day for God to show me his plan. I have prayed for his peace, and that he will take away the resentment I feel towards people when I hear or see them being selfish or petty.  I pray HARD. Prayer works.
Things do NOT happen in our time. They happen in God's time. Everything is HIS plan.
I could write you a good list of the last year of Will's and my life. Not ONE thing has been according to OUR plan. But when we have let go and let God, all of the timing has been perfect.
Okay. I am done.
I feel HUGELY better, and I think I got out of this without even offending the pharmacist.
Thank you God.