Goals are a funny thing with me. I don't like them.
If I say I have a goal, I mean if I actually utter the words: "My goal is to.."
It usually ends up being a bust.
I'm weird like that.
I feel like if I say it out loud, then it won't happen.
I have to do it, then I can talk about it later. Maybe. To a few people. Or here.
This past year there were some things that I really really did NOT like about myself.
I wasn't cooking the way I wanted to. I wasn't taking care of myself the way I wanted to. I wasn't exercising the way I wanted to.
If I would have said: "My goal is to start meal planning, work on my mental health and run at least 2 times a week."
Eff it.
It wouldn't have happened. Because the minute I "put it out there into the universe", so to speak, it just doesn't bode well.
So I kept quiet, and just did it.
The most exciting part is the cooking.
I LOVE to cook. And I am good at it. I am not bragging. It's just something I am proud of.
I get tired of hearing: I hate to cook. I can't cook. Blah blah..
Try it!
Cooking is therapy!
Maybe I will make a shirt: Cooking is cheaper than therapy...hmmm...
My favorite blog is Andi the Weary Chef. wearychef.com
She has small children. She is tired. She likes to cook.
We could be related.
Most of my recipes come from her or links on her blog.
Kieran eats everything I cook. Maren eats most of what I cook if I bribe her with dessert. Keegan is the most difficult because of his diabetes, but sometimes I just can't make it work, and he has chicken fingers and veggies.
Will is probably the happiest. Men like home cooked food. It's archaic and women all over the country who hate to cook will want to hit me with the one pan they own, but it's true.
And seriously? What is wrong with helping to make things better? Nothing at this point.
My cooking is not always perfect. I can't be a gourmand with three little kids. It doesn't work for me. But believe me, it's a hell of a lot better than it was six months ago, so I'm takin' it!
The mental health piece is a work in progress. I am never going to be "cured". There isn't a day where I can skip my meds, or stop thinking about it or "let loose."
I do those things.
And then I am fucked.
So it's a constant battle for me. It's exhausting. It's shaming. It's embarrassing.
It's also empowering. I know myself better than anyone. I am very very very very smart.
People underestimate that about me. Well, not all people.
I know what I can and can't do that makes me sick or stable.
I have been at this for over 20 years. I am not new to it.
It's just that after 3 babies in 7 years and a marriage. I am new to THIS part.
I have a small stable circle of people to support me.
And I have me.
I am trying to like me.
Ah, exercise..
This week I ran once. Today I will run for the second time. I might get a run in when we go to Wisconsin.
I can't get up at 5:30 am and run because my body just doesn't want to.
My babies are with me all day except for two days a week. I take advantage of those days and run.
Sometimes.
I love the feeling I have when I can exercise, and it is one of the best things I can do for myself.
Do I wish I could get out there more?
Yes. But it's not my priority.
I'm in good shape. I'm not overweight...blah blah..
And once I stopped battling myself about that, I have felt a lot better.
My priorities are other things. And that's ok.
I don't have to keep up with anyone else.
And I can be supportive and happy for others and their endeavors, but I also don't have to listen to hours of talk about exercising. It just makes me feel weird.
And I am not about feeling weird if I can help it.
I'm excited for the summer. I'm excited for our kids and for Will and I.
I'm thankful that I can put one foot in front of the other and breathe and not feel panicky.
My friend Jen said that life is a roller coaster.
Amen to that.
Okay enough writing.
Even though that is something I really need to do more of this summer.
Wait. Was that a goal?
Shit...
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