The Five C's

There are five things I am deathly afraid of:
Clowns
Plane Crashes
Cocaine
Cheating and
Kidnapping.
I haven't liked clowns since I was little and it's really mostly those china doll clowns with those weird staring eyes. I think it's because of some movie..
Plane crashes is an obvious one, even though I LOVE flying and I would rather fly ANYWHERE then drive. If we owned a plane, I would fly it the two miles to Target if I could. I could get to Target in 30 seconds!!!
Cocaine scares the crap out of me.
I have never done it, never seen it, but I dated someone who LOVED cocaine, and it ruined him. He seemed to think that he was FINE without rehab.  Look, I know A LOT of people who think they are FINE without therapy. Why is that?  Try running instead in fact!  It's cheaper than therapy!! Keep running around Lake of the Isles...I am sure that's going to make it go away. In fact, if you do cocaine and THEN run, you can run a lot longer!! Give that a go!!
Cheating is another HUGE fear.  I do not want my marriage to end because Will finds a Halle Berry look-alike and I am left alone. I can picture myself standing on the edge of a dock with three small sad children clinging to my Little House on the Prairie skirts while he sails away on her yacht, in brand-new J Crew clothes, looking younger, slimmer, richer and happier than he ever was with me.  "Good bye Melissa!" he would yell and wave,  "You were OKAY. But Halle is just BETTER than you."
Oh. That would be the WORST, because really cheating is about the fact that you don't like where you are, so you find something else to fill in what you don't have.  UGH. You know my self esteem teeters on any given day anyway. Ish.
I realize that Will does cheat.
But I am pretty okay with it. He cheats with our friend JJ and his wife Putt. He has a threesome.  This is because JJ has no children, two flat screen tv's in his basement, a burning passion for basketball, and his wife Putt, is the coolest woman on the planet because she doesn't let ANY female drama permeate her existence. She is the closest thing to a guy there is except with HUGE boobs, a gorgeous face and a mouth like a sailor.  She is just THAT cool.
So I am okay with his cheating. He spends the night once in a while and he comes home in JJ's clothes because he leaves from there to go to work and I am okay with it. Because he's happier.  A wife has to turn the head sometimes in order to make her husband happy.
Kidnapping does not start with a C. I watched Sesame Street, thanks.  But it is my number 1 fear.
I can't even write about it because it makes me sick to my stomach.
Ick.
Ish.
Uck.

On another note, it is becoming obvious to me that Dr. Heegaard may have removed part of my brain along with my fallopian tubes.
Remember in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest when Jack Nicholson changed?
(I have never watched the whole movie-I am not going to lie to you-Will told me about the movie. I just CANNOT watch it-ish, ick, ugh)
Anyway, I am a little like Jack Nicholson after his operation.
I THINK I might have had a lobotomy. Because sh*t is not getting to me as much......................
This is not to say that I don't get riled up once in a while.
BUT it's much less than it used to be.
And I will tell you right now that there are many more dust bunnies in our house then there used to be.
I don't know.  I have slowed wayyyyy down.
So I am hoping this is a good thing and that something isn't wrong with me.
I just don't seem to be moving at that frenetic "chicken with her head cut off" pace that I used to.
We will see what the next few months holds, but I am enjoying the slow and steady wins the race right now.
And let's be honest, when Will goes to JJ's, I can just sit and stare at the Real Housewives, that's my cheating, but don't tell anyone.......