I'm getting neutered in a couple of weeks, except that I am telling everyone that I am having a "procedure".
This way I don't have to have the whole ethical or moral or whatever kind of argument with everyone about whether or not I am sure about not having anymore kids. Because I am. I am sure.
I am 38 and I am done and sure. I love Maren and Keegan more than life, but did I am mention I am sure?
I am also sure that I don't want Will to have a vasectomy because I should not tell him what to do with his penis..wellllll...to an extent. You know what I am saying. I have various rights over his junk, but not when it comes to medical "procedures" unless they are purely cosmetic. Then I am going to get involved.
If something were to happen to me or to the kids (oh this is awful, I am not going to write about this much more) then he can go have a whole other family and I hope he just loooves his new life. But I will haunt him, we all know this.

Okay so back to being neutered.
Here is what worries me. When my cats got neutered they developed these distinct paunches. Whenever Sylvester walks he jiggles. Some (Will and his buddies) refer to these excess stomach bulges as FUPS. Gross.
If I develop a FAT UPPER you-know-what, then I am getting a personal trainer, and I don't care how much Jillian Michaels costs to fly into Minneapolis!

Today I ran to Target while Maren slept (yes I brought her with me) after having coffee with a friend who is 39 weeks pregnant and desperate to deliver. Been there sister!! I forgot to mention that dancing to Vanilla Ice might help..I need to call her later.
Anyway, needed to pick up my prescription. The most darling little girl behind the pharmacy counter helped me. I mean she could have been on Broadway starring in Les Miserables..she was just THAT beautiful and innocent looking.
"You have two prescriptions actually."
Holds up the first bag.
"Yes, that's mine."
Holds up the second bag.
"IS THAT VICODIN???????????????????" Vicodin? Vicodin?? Vicodin??? Can you hear the echo through Target?
"Uh, yes it is."
"Oh I uh, I uh I just don't take it, you know normally and I uh I am uh having a procedure and the nurse said she would call it in but uh I don't need it for another two weeks. I uh..am I uh supposed to have it already?"
Apparently before my neutering I have to take vicodin. Look, I feel like a drug addict. I feel like I am picking up illegal narcotics. I feel dirty. But I also started wondering if I could sell the extras on Craig's List and make a little extra cash.
"Are you Mrs. Frederickson?"
"What?"
Darling little pharmacy helper looks at me sweetly.
"Were you my 7th grade English teacher?"
"Oh uh maybe, you know yes, probably, but uh, you know I uh I uh I don't take Vicodin or anything...aha aha ahha."
God. I am just a complete knob sometimes.
So made small talk with former student while paying for my narcotics and made quick get away.
Now have whole months supply of same drug that celebrities get hooked on...
Coming up next:
My expired driver's license. No lie. It's been expired for a year. Shut up you.
I am turning into Lindsay Lohan right before your eyes.