I just put Maren on the table in front of me in her bouncer and let her crab-talk herelf into sleep.
If babies could people talk she would be bitching up a storm: "I am so g*d damned tired. I cannot get comfortable. This acid reflux is driving me nuts. Why don't I have any g*d damned hair yet? Have you seen these wrists? I am going to have to diet for three years to get rid of the fat on these wrists!" Sometimes she reminds me of an old Jewish woman...
I just love her to death. I cannot get enough of my daughter. She's like a mini me!!! Remember Dr. Evil...when he's carrying Mini Me around in the Bjorn?? THAT'S US!!!!! Only she hates the Bjorn so far. But you know what I mean!! She is just the end all! I am just so in love with her!!!!!!! By the way, I will get to Bjorn's in a later segment.
Okay, I am scared shitless to take my written driver's test. And by the way, JUST because I did not go and renew my license does not suddenly mean I have forgotten how to drive and need to be tested again. JUST because a billion people go and pay their license renewal fee and get their picture taken every four years, does not make them all COMPETENT to be on the road year after year...does it??? Do they just naturally assume that I am a bad driver because I got lazy?? I have seen a lot of lazy looking people on the road. You know who I mean.. That woman in the green Alero with the cigarette hanging on her lip and the dented kleenex box in the back of her car window. Or the old guy in the '96 Toyota pick-up who hasn't shaved in like a month. Old dusty kleenex box. Stubbly beard. Isn't that lazy??? Look, the truth is, I just liked my picture and I didn't want to get a new one taken. Do not mistake vanity for laziness Department of Motor Vehicles!!!!!!
And if I do not pass, what is going to happen? Are they going to strip me of my driving rights? Am I going to have to call a taxi every time I want to go somewhere? WAIT. Could I get a driver? That might not be so bad after all. There is so much I could get done!
And I could drink in the car!
Okay okay I am getting off the subject.
So I know I have to take this test and Will is ABSOLUTELY pissing in his pants he is loving it so much.
"Maybe they'll make you take the driving test too."
Wait. What?
Because see he doesn't realize that I did NOT pass my driving test when I turned 16. (I mean he has seen me drive, I am sure he can guess.) I passed the written test with flying colors because I studied for like 3 weeks straight. Look, I was a very studious girl in high school. This is probably why I was not up for homecoming queen. Oh I doubt me passing my written driving test has anything to do with it. But I like to blame it on something! Okay back to this..BUT I DID NOT pass the driving test the day I turned 16 and it was the biggest tragedy of my life. Well dammit you try to parallel park a 1987 Pontiac Parisienne between two tiny f*cking orange cones and see what happens.
My mom divorced the owner of that vehicle by the way. Good riddance.
So I am feverishly studying the Driving Handbook that my mother sent me because she is panicked I won't pass and then she'll have a 38 year old daughter with two kids without a license. I know this scares her because she lives up north near a reservation and it will just remind her of all the Native Americans she sees that have lost their licenses to DWI's that have to walk everywhere.
Well, I am sorry if that sounds cruel, but I know that's what she's thinking!!!!!
Look, Mom, I am just going to hire a driver. No one will ever know I didn't pass. And you won't have to worry about your daughter looking like a drunk from the Rez or whatever.
So I will keep you posted. If I don't pass, I will have plenty of time to blog from the back of the car.
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