You're Killin' Me Smalls

Today there was no daycare.
A few weeks ago this would have panicked me to no end, but as my post-partum dissipates, I am able to see things more clearly.
Namely that one day home with both my children will not break me.
Well good, you say, since you decided to have two.
Shut up you.
Anyway, this morning was garage sale day. I say this not because every Friday is garage sale day, I am just pointing out that I went to one. I do not normally do this. NOT because I am against them. I am all for them. I just have small children and I stand behind the fact that any kind of shopping from malls to other people's garages is NOT something I like to do with children.
But I said I would go, and my friend Vicky is the garage sale guru.
Unfortunately my darling son was not in the mood for perusing other peoples used goods.
It started the MINUTE we got there.
"Carry me."
We are having issues with the carry me bit lately. He sees Maren in the stroller and he wants to stroll as well. Everyone has told me we need a sit and stand stroller or whatever the shit it is and I am finally being broken and will need to purchase one so that he can sit or stand or whatever the hell he will NOT do the minute we have it. This will make the grand total of strollers at our house five or something and the total price about $1000. in effing strollers purchased. Gughh. And we haven't even taken a honeymoon yet. Shit balls.
Okay so back to carry me or more like:
"Caaarrrrrrrryyyyy meeeeeeeee.."
"Keegan you can stand."
"I can't. My legs are broken."
What the f*ck?
I am starting to sweat because there are about 150 people at this "Mega Garage Sale-Don't Miss It!!" and now they are all starting to stare at me as I pick through the GIRLS CLOTHES 12-18 months (you know I am planning ahead for next summer! Well geez they're like $1.00 a piece-it's a deal!!) and wondering what kind of a rat ball mother I am that would break their son's legs.
"Keegan your legs are not broken. Momma is looking for some nice clothes for baby sister while you and Emperor Zurg stand right here. Aren't you glad Emperor Zurg came with you?"
"I caaaannnn't waallllkkkkk. My legggggs are brokkkkkennnnn."
Gugghh.
Now I am using my "calm down the EBD 7th grader who just kicked the poor nerdy kid in the balls" voice and struggling to pick my son up while STILL clawing through the clothes because I will be god damned if that mother wearing the platform sandals is going to get that Gymboree sweater priced at $.50 before I do!!!
Meanwhile Vicky is out front with my beautiful baby daughter who has just pooped her way into next week. But it doesn't end there. Of course not.
Because Keegan has just announced HE has to go potty.
What?! At a garage sale? There are no potties at garage sales!! Flea markets maybe..but garage sales?? Well yes.. I suppose technically because this is someone's house.....
God please get me out of here..BUT not before I get those Gap pants that will fit her RIGHT now! And a steal at .$75!!!
Vicky finnagles a woman into letting us into the house. It's a whole weird situation with the Grandma watching us like a hawk and making Keegan use kleenex instead of a towel to dry his hands but I don't really give a shit. Her house smelled funny. She should worry about that, not who's using her guest towels.
Okay so we get out of the mega sale in one piece. I get lots of goods for a mere $21.00 and we make it home. I bathe Maren because basically she is up to her armpits in poop. And I get out the markers and coloring book for Keegan so that he can color while I feed her.
I feel like supreme Mom. Everyone is occupied.
Until the first marker drops to the floor, followed by another and another.
"Mommy! Momma!! I need my markers!"
"Keegan get down and get them. I am feeding your sister."
"I cannnnnnnn't my arms are broken."
You are kidding me right? This is a joke. Will has Keegan on an ear-piece and he's piping him these one-liners, right? Yukking it up with the boys at the office while I flail about at home, right? Because this is just wayyy too much. Except that Keegan is at DEFCON 2.
So I get the friggin' markers.
All's quiet on the western front for about ten seconds...
"Mom, I want grilled cheese."
Wait for it..wait for it..
"Keegan I can't my arms are broken."
Yesssssss.......
But you know I made it anyway. That's how much I love him.