Next..

I really miss writing. I feel like I have this huge block right now and all of these ideas swimming around in my head.
This is not the first time this has happened. A couple times in the past few years, I've had a block. I think it's usually after having a baby...hmmm..how many have I had now?
Getting myself back to a "normal" place seems to take a bit. I keep thinking that because Kieran is SUCH an amazingly EASY GOOD baby I should just be there by now.
I forget that we have marriage, diabetes, full-time jobs, MAREN, and just plain day to day living to keep us occupied as well..
I am extremely hard on myself.
Extremely.
Have we covered this before? Yes.
I thought I had been doing a pretty good job at flying under the radar. I do this when I am in survival mode.  My kids at school are amazing, they keep me afloat. My baby is amazing. I have friends that I love so much, at times, they take my breath away. But once in a while I am reminded that I have to have a thick skin. Right now, my skin is thin. I mean tranparent thin. Will reminded me the other day that I used to be tough. I used to be able to handle my shit pretty well.  I did.  I didn't let a lot get to me.  What happened to THAT girl? I think she got lost somewhere between the surprise pregnancy and the major surgery. Or was it Keegan? Probably that...
Anyway..I had to find some thick skin recently. It wasn't easy, but I found a little patch. And you know, it wasn't comfortable. It didn't go on very well. I really had to stretch it to make it fit. But once it was in place, I could feel that it didn't feel SO WEIRD.
I want to be strong. I want to be resilient. I want to be good for my family and friends. Let's be honest. I want to be good FOR ME.
Sometimes it's like I am learning all over again. Isn't that goofy? What the hell? I had it alll figured out. Didn't I?
For THAT part. You had THAT part figured out.
On to the next part.
Oh..yeah. Ok..I get it.