You Break My Heart in the Blink of An Eye

Taylor Swift has this beautiful duet with the lead singer of Snow Patrol on her album, Red. I am gaga for his voice.  The song is so painfully beautiful to me that I weep every time I listen to it.
"You Break My Heart in the Blink of An Eye"
My children do that almost daily with a word or a look. I am so in love with them and their reactions to their baby brother. Kieran is our grounding force right now.
Will can break my heart in a blink of an eye, too, and sometimes it isn't in a good way.  This is the hardest time in our lives right now, and it doesn't help that Ellen just announced on her show yesterday that this is the most depressing time of the year. Super.
I am sure that I break his heart just as much. Daily, probably.
I am not an easy soul to live with, but I live with myself, too, and I know where everything that I am doing and saying is coming from...as much as I can reason it out right now. And like Will, everything is coming from a good place. That I can say honestly. I know we are both good people. You can look at our children and know that.
If you follow my blog you have probably figured out that I believe in therapy and I believe in "meds for the head".
It doesn't take long to realize as you read my writing that I am UP and I am DOWN.
In my experiences, and I have had A LOT in 40 years.  I have learned that post partum is probably some of my worst times.
Gwyneth Paltrow said it's like an out of body experience, and it is.
It's like sitting on the couch and watching yourself from across the room...while you cry the whole time.  Kind of.
That doesn't even really begin to explain it.  Little things are magnified 1000 times. Big things are dulled down because you can't tell if they are really big things that you should give a shit about or if you're just being over dramatic.
Paired with less sleep, it's just one big train ride of disaster.
Climb aboard.
No don't.
It is very hard for people to understand it-depression, manic episodes, post partum, if they haven't experienced it themselves.  There is too much sensationalism and misinformation out there. Surprise. Surprise.  People throw the term "bi-polar" around to describe everyone from their hamster to their hair dresser.
People are sorely misinformed.
And stupid.
But you know I know that we established that long ago in this blog.
Right now my struggle is to feel some kind of normal again.
I don't want "new normal".
I want my normal normal.
Happy, carefree, strong, normal.
I want THAT normal back.
And I want my happy marriage back.
I want that normal back, too.
I want post post post post partum.
As in gone.