The Curse Card

I do not write a lot about what I do for a living.

I don't really want to. I mean, I TALK BREATHE THINK LIVE middle school 180 days a year (plus six weeks of summer school) so really it just isn't always something that I want to WRITE about..it's not my muse usually. Will and Keegan give me plenty of material. School is my happy hour conversation.

But today..shit.

I think teachers should get a curse card. And the curse card should be a pass..a pass to curse..because today..I should have had the right the absolute right: DO NOT READ THIS IF CURSING AT KIDS OFFENDS YOU .

"So I want everyone to start bringing their novels because during I LOVE TO READ MONTH" the whole school is reading the same book! And tomorrow we're going to talk about the first 29 pages. It's really a gift that we can do this!" All enthusiasm..pure love of the game.

"I can't read 29 pages by tomorrow I can't even read 9."

"Well Ryan, (every 7th grade boy in America is named Ryan-I kid you not, so I am safe) I don't know what to say. You're in 7th grade. I mean, you know by now, you should be able to read that much in a couple of days. I mean that's not that much. I really want you to work on the words I can't." God I am trying. I am trying.

"What if I don't want to read it?"

"Um, well, Larry (not his real name..no one names their kid Larry anymore so I am safe again) We are all reading it. It's not really an option. I mean the whole thing is called one book-one community and we are all part of this community."

"Is your Grandpa reading it?"

FUCK!!

"My grandpa is dead. But if he were alive and working here. He would be reading the book."

You little f*ing a**hole.

Yep..here comes the curse card...it should be BRIGHT GOLD.
MY GRANDPA??? MY 89 YEAR OLD GRANDPA that died in 2003?? YUP...
Now that I think about it though..maybe he thought I looked young enough that my Grandpa was still alive..hmmmm..
But STILL..little f*cker..


"Mrs. S. (a lot of Mrs. S's in this world) isn't reading it."

"Oh..okay. Well you know I am sure she is. We are all reading it. All the teachers. I mean even the cooks!"

I am amazed at myself at this point. I am having an out of body experience. It is 10:30 in the morning and I have gone to join my grandpa and we are having coffee..the rest of me is still having this conversation with the 7th graders about the fact that their special ed. teacher has decided not to read the book that the entire rest of the school is reading. Of course she isn't reading it. She's in special ed. OHHHHHH..I am pulling punches now.

"Nope she's not. She said so."

"Well, you know...Oh, here she is now. Ready to join our class. Let's ask her. Ms. S. are you reading Black Duck?"

"I haven't started it."

FUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!! YOU HAVEN'T STARTED IT!!!
HOW ABOUT: I can't wait! It sounds so interesting class! Oh my gosh! Kids! What a book!
How about you lie! What the shit are you DOING???????????????????????????????????????????

"Um, you know, I think I am just going to take a little break."

And that is exactly what I did.
For 40 minutes.
I left them there to not read the book.
They had no idea I was bawling hysterically in Greta's room.
But I am sure that's just hormones. Really.

But the funny thing is...when I came back.
THEY WERE ALL READING THE BOOK.
What an impact I must be having on my class.
Hahahahaha.