The Straight Poop

So for Father's Day I bought Will a GPS..and now he loves her more than me..
We got a little lost on the way up north and so he decided to give it a test run:
"Will..you missed your turn..it's 371..we're still on 10 West!! Go Back!! Go Back!"
"Don't listen to your wife. Turn left and you will be fine."
I swear that is what that snotty English bitch said...
"Honey, I am listening to Callie..she knows what she's talking about."
He NAMED his GPS..GOD.
AND he programed her with this sexy English voice.
"At your earliest convenience, turn right and proceed 500 kilometers."
Oh puke. No "real" female talks like that in the car when their husband missed the turn because he was on the phone and not paying attention, and their 14 month old son hasn't eaten anything but baby Cheetos for lunch and "The Elmo Song" isn't working anymore to keep him occupied...
But I have to admit that "Callie" works pretty well and Will is thrilled with his gift, and I owe him HUGE because I have been horrible at gift giving over the last year or so..and he really is the BEST father and husband in the whole wide world..really...
So the school year is over...What school year? THAT'S RIGHT...
I have erased it from my memory. My classroom is completely blank and empty. My students left a little miffed, I think..Well, too bad..I have to save myself. They will have other teachers. Seriously.
This was the single most HORRIFIC teaching year of my life and so I have decided to wipe the slate clean and not think about it..so this is my last mention of it right here. What went wrong..oh who cares? It's over..I didn't do anything terrible. I didn't punch a student, insult a parent, come to school late, drunk or inappropriately dressed. (Those are the worst things I could think of happening. I have only done about half of those in I4 years..) But I really didn't do anything. IT WASN'T ME THIS TIME. Maybe my attitude...but other than that..I am going to blame outside forces and next year be entirely responsible for making it a better year. Enough said.
Okay..I have had 1000 things to blog about and now that I actually have the time...none of them are in my head. Perfect.
But here's the choice I have...put Keegan in his crib..and ignore his screams while I selfishly write down my edgy thoughts or raise my busy busy son..
Today was our field trip to The Wild Rumpus Reading Room..I have decided during the summer Keegan and I will take "field trips"...Sometimes our field trips may be to the liquor store to buy Mommy wine, but he won't know the difference. Today was a field trip for him..I thought that was very loving of me..
Anyway, the Wild Rumpus Reading Room sounds a little pornographic but it is ALL for kids and it is totally chaotic and cool and "bookish"..they even have little chickens running around..which now that I think about it, I am not that impressed with..because if those chickens pooped on the floor..that could be really unhealthy..I am into feces lately..(NO NOT IN A SICK WAY!!!) because that brings me to my next subject...
My son POOPS in the tub and this was not inherited from ME!!!!
He has pooped now a total of three times during his bath and I am not thinking this is cute or funny. This is gross and this makes me gag. I have gotten pretty good at knowing when it's coming, so I am able to pull all his toys out and "save" them. Apparently his father used to poop during his baths, and I really wish he would have put that in his Match.com profile because I might have asked a few more questions before our first date: "Sooooo...you've been married annnddd you used to poop in the tub?"
"Yes...but you're jealous of a GPS? Are you THAT insecure?"
He always gets me.