Helmet Acceptance

I am going to warn you now that there will be nothing politically correct about this blog so if you are looking for that kind of thing you should go read something else. I will offend you probably within the next sentence so get out now while you can.
My friend Pat says that they should make a bumper sticker that says: "Nuke a gay whale for Jesus" and that pretty much encompasses pissing everybody off in every group possible and I think I might make that sticker myself. See? If you kept reading I warned you.

Keegan and I should have just stayed home today. The mall was a disaster and I blame myself because I never go to malls anymore so I should have known better. A mom goes to Super Target and a girl who lives in Uptown shops at the Gap or Express and WALKS everywhere..so I am pretty sure that the last time I was in a mall was like well over six months ago and I know I was half drunk..okay so apparently I have been living in a helmet acceptance bubble because I really thought this helmet thing was no big deal..
What in the hell?
Was I wrong.
It started in Macy's when the salesgirl asked me if everything was okay.
"What you mean personally?"
"Oh, uh, no I uh just meant, uh are you finding everything."
Nice save.
It just went downhill from there.
The saleslady in the next department actually had me feel her head!! I shit you not.
"So you mean he has a flat head like this? Feel this."
"Uh, yes, I guess that is what he has." As I felt a strange sales woman's head.
Soon after I heard a small girl remark to her grandmother: "Look at that baby's hat!"
"Oh no honey. That's so when he falls, he won't hurt his head."
Okay. I will give her that one. She was just dumb. But are you serious? I put my baby in a stroller in a helmet because I am such a bad mother that I think he might just fall out and hit his head.
No, I don't have time to take the elevator. I am just going to push him down the escalator and hope for the best. Oh wait! He has a helmet. I don't have to hope.
At that point we left the first store. This was after I was stuck in the elevator with an Asian couple who discussed Keegan's helmet in Chinese. OH DON'T THINK I DIDN'T KNOW IT!!!!!!
The next store was just stares..a few sympathetic smiles and a lot more stares...
The third store:
"Do you take him to Gilette?"
What the shit? Isn't that a razor? I couldn't think straight at that point, honestly. I was supposed to be looking for a decent birthday present for Will because I f*cked up so badly last year...REMEMBER??!!! I was post-partum! I don't have an excuse this year!!!!
"Uh, no, uh..Tandem Orthotics..St. Cloud." At least this made it sound like he had a normal issue even if he was drooling like mad and flailing around in his stroller right at that moment..
Because this was the thing..I was starting to feel creepy.. I was starting to feel like I should either take his helmet off or be wearing a t-shirt that said: "My son is NOT retarded" SERIOUSLY!!!!! Because obviously NO OTHER babies in the Twin Cities Metro area slept on their backs and got a flat spot..so either, I was lied to in the baby books and took the SIDS thing wayyyyy tooo seriously or my son is just a flat-headed freak of nature....GOD!!! I just wanted to punch someone.
So I went to have a glass of wine and Keegan had some apple juice and Cheerios.

This is where the story should end happily. Me, calming my nerves..Keegan oblivious to stupidity. BUT, nothing ends like that in my world. Rolling slowly towards me at the restaurant was a wheelchair.
Look again I am telling you, this is not a politically correct blog...So the lady who wheeled up to us was nice, but I couldn't understand a word she said and she obviously thought my son was "special" and God ..it was just awkward and so I just smiled and you know smiled and then about five minutes later: YEP! That's right! Another wheelchair! "Look! He's wearing a helmet just like you!"
F*ck!
And so Keegan and the wheelchair girl were "helmet" buddies or whatever and you know I just wanted to stab myself in the eye with a long skewer or something because really the whole thing..it just was too much..you know?
But I liked the wheelchair people better over everyone else! I really really did. And that is usually the case anyway..
So in the end, I learned that I hate the mall. And I miss Will and I hope his Brokeback Bachelor Party Weekend is over soon.

If Keegan would have been born imperfect, I would have adored him, loved him, been nuts about him as much as I am .so that isn't what this about..it's about the fact that people are idiotic about things sometimes. They don't have class when they should. I suppose it's just my Mama Bear instinct too. But really maybe I will start a campaign for Helmet Acceptance for the Not-Retarded Just Need to Wear It For A Little While Until My Head Re-Shapes Because I Slept On My Back So I Wouldn't Die of SIDS Foundation
THAT would be one hell of a t-shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I sure would love to have fundraising concert..hmmmmmm....