Show Me the Money!

One of my favorite movies is Jerry Maguire.
For various reasons.
Fish.
Flipping out.
Ants.
I've pretty much lived that life except for the high profile sports agent thing, right?
Whatever.
Anyway, I feel like  Rod Tidwell today after balancing the checking account.
"SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
Where is all of our money?
Is there a little sneaky money elf at USAA who goes into our account and steals dollars away?
Where are my dollars?
Why am I working harder than I have ever worked in my life and I am making LESS than ever?
Oh it's called dependent care, insurance, AHEM dues (I will PAY those, it's only a matter of time until I'll need help again, believe me) annnnddddd taxes.
Sigh.
Then of course there is no raise. Ever. Probably for the rest of my existence as a teacher.
Unless I pay for it by going back to school.
Which will just mean that I have MORE bills to pay because I will have MORE school loans.
We will be paying Maren's school loans and ours at the same time.
I kid you not.
My favorite book is Walk Two Moons and the main character Salamanca, realizes something at the end of the novel.
She says, "I realize that I am jealous of..."
I do not like to be a jealous person. I think jealousy is a really wasted emotion. I try very very hard not to be that.
Sometimes I am, though.
When I was pregnant and felt huge and my friend R- came into the school office in a really cute little red dress with her super cute thin legs, looking all cute and thin..I was kind of jealous.
When I see my friends' new big houses I feel kind of jealous.
Sometimes I feel that other people don't have to worry about finances so much and I do.
I am jealous of that.  And then I realize that just like when I was jealous of the cute little red dress, it passes.
Everyone has times when they wish for things and can't have them.
Life goes on.  Things get better. Babies are born!  Which is a whole heap of "worth-it" for NOT fitting into something small at the time. Bills get paid.  Okay of course in our case, there are MORE bills, but it makes me appreciate the simple things.
And I know how to make  15 things with ground beef..and only ONE of them is meat loaf!
Jealousy is not a fun emotion so I just try not to feel it for long. Instead I try to feel hopeful and glad for what people have:  cute, thin legs or pretty houses that they have worked hard to buy.
I try to be hopeful that things will get better in the financial department. Hopeful about our future and thankful that we have what we do. I have Will and Maren and Keegan. They make me laugh. They make me feel loved.  They eat my meat loaf!
Somehow that seems to send jealousy packing.