Tea for Two

So I know that all of you mothers are perfect and I am not.
And that I have the only child that has ever put anything weird in his mouth: cat food, price tags, his shoes WITH mud on them..so much better tasting..paint brushes..NO NOT with paint on them..we were playing outside with water and buckets thanks very much..I am NOT that stupid..but today tops it and I don't need YOU judging me anymore than you already do..
"Mama, your tea."
"Yes, honey, that's right that's mama's tea bags!"
I am very proud that my son is speaking in sentences and he is only two. I know lots of two year olds who only grunt. I am full of glowing pride that my son is so smart..
"You are such a smart boy!"
"Mama! Michael Jackson!"
Holy shit!
He is a genius! He KNOWS that's Michael Jackson is on TV! Did Will teach him this last night while I was outside mourning the loss of the King of Pop..drinking vast quantities of wine with Ernesto? (Yes, we've reconciled..nothing like the death of a major celebrity to bring neighbors together..moles be damned.)
I am thinking of calling Mensa..
"Mama-Look Mama! Look!"
What the Fu-??!!
Keegan is sucking on an Earl Gray tea bag.
I shit you not.
Yep..just sucking away..teeth sunk in...just sucking it ALLLLL out..
Lazy Susan is WIIIIDDDDE open...tea bag box is on the floor...there are at least three soggy teeth-punctured tea bags in there...
He was polite enough to put them back after he sucked the flavor out..Again, I have to say he is brilliant. I mean really, so polite and tidy.
But where was I when this was happening??????
Facebooking? On-line banking?
Dammit all..
What kind of a horrible mother am I to let my two year old SUCK ON TEA BAGS???
WHAT IS THIS GOING TO DO TO HIM??
I immediately yank the tea bag out of his mouth, grab him by the shoulders, look him square in the eye checking for pupil dialation..NONE.
I am thinking that maybe he didn't get as much flavor out as I had originally thought.
And then it comes to me..WHERE did he learn this?
I don't SUCK the tea bags..unless...
SYLVESTER.
He watched the cat on cat nip.
That must be it.
Bastard Cat.
I am afraid to call Will with this news. He is already down on my summer vacation as he believes I make unwise decisions when I have time off. Case in point: I broke down and bought that Key Lime Pie at Costco that serves 30 and it is taking up our whole refrigerator right now. Keegan has been eating Key Lime Pie for dinner. He is in heaven. (I am kidding, stop judging me.)
But what is Will going to say when he finds out our son has been SUCKING TEA BAGS???
God.
"Um...our son is sucking tea bags."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
"Look, I started drinking tea pretty early in my life..you know being born in England and I turned out just fine."
LOOOONNNNNNGGGGG Pause.
"That's not funny Will."
In any case, Keegan is napping now so I don't think it affected him too much. We went to the mall and he was very anxious to push the stroller rather than ride and other than a few "Oh bloody hell, mother's" and "Crikey!'s" He seemed to be pretty much himself the whole morning.
Really.
I blame it all on the cat.
Bloody rubbish the whole thing.